24 Aug 2025

Please pardon any mistakes, the last time I wrote something in English was a few months ago in highschool and it's not my primary language, so I am a bit rusty ;+P

During the two weeks I've been working on this site (time really flies by ! ) I've noticed pressure rising within me. I know what I want to do here, it's hell of a lot of work and I know I can't just snap it into existence but I feel like I'm taking too long. Even with the blog, I felt like I needed to finish other parts of the site in order to write anything, and that's why I'm writing right now. Noticing and acknowledging a pattern is really all it takes to change it after all. Still I feel kind of 'dirty', as if I was furnishing an unpainted room. I suppose it's meant to feel like that, though.

I've been trying to take things slower in general as of late. I've finally managed to break free from consuming short-form content. At least I hope I have. It's a slippery slope, like any bad habit, but I think you're familiar with that. There's few addictions that are as widespread as doomscrolling, I hate to see how many people don't see it for what it is. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I finally decided to make my phone a tool that I use rather than a cage I put myself into. I deleted most social media apps, including instagram, although to my utmost frustration it did once again find a place on my mobile, since it seems that either instagram didn't care for, or rather more probably they intentionally under-developed the desktop website, so that you need to have this god forsaken devilspawn on your phone to access all the features. One thing to know about me is that no other app grinds my gears as much as instagram. All I wanted to do, is add my neocities website to my bio. Seriously. Try to add a website address to your bio from desktop. You can't. Because fuck you. I've noticed a change in myself though. I have no urge to open it anymore. Some time ago I had my first attempt at quitting watching reels via the screen zen app. I limited my time to 5 minutes per day and, for the first two weeks, it worked. It might be a solution to someone out there, but for me, the availability of it on my phone tempted me back. Right now though, even with it on my phone, I forget about all the time. I feel like that one image of the sillhouette of a guy breaking his handcuffs, you know the one. Only somewhat indulgent apps I still harbor are pinterest and youtube and even on youtube I've noticed that I don't watch any shorts anymore, as I might have done in the past. It is one of the most freeing things I have felt in my life.

If you catch yourself being stuck in the short-form content cycle of desolation and self-hatred, take action, It's not gonna be easy, and you're going to be bored lots, but it is seriously worth it.

Coming back to the topic of this site, what I've noticed that part of this internal pressure was caused by people viewing my site. I am a hardcore perfectionist, not in the sense that I strive to make everything spotless, or the right way (please do NOT look at the code !!!) but in the sense that I cannot stand putting out things that are not up to my standards. This means that most of the ideas I have go through a mental content filter and only the best ones make it out. While it sounds great on paper, in practice this means that often I cannot reach my own threshold of quality. It also means that I hate when people look at my work, when it's still unfinished. This trait really showed itself when I got my first follow and comment on neocities. Suddenly, it wasn't only me, pushing myself to finish the site quicker, now there was someone who saw it unfinished, almost no content besides the design and a handful of dead links. This stressed me out for the past couple of days.
What really helped me to get out of this mindset, was reminding myself that I am not doing this for other people, I am doing this for me. I didn't get into neocities and html and designing my page to appeal to other people. And, of course, I want other people to visit this site but ultimately this is my space and I started it because it's fun. In this whole experience I think that's all that really matters in the end, having fun.

So to anybody who bothered reading through this whole post, Giekkwyk's refuge on the Web is under construction, and I am not sorry!
That's not to say that you aren't welcome. I am grateful for everybody that takes interest in what I do, or wants to hear what I have to say. Please leave something behind, either in my guestbook or on my feed on neocities!

xoxo